3.21.2009

The thing you need to know about ?'s is..

In my line of work I run across two types of questions.  Open-ended and closed-ended questions.  Now you may question what is the difference between these two types of questions?  ???  I’ll tell you.

Closed-ended questions are questions that answer the question in usually one word.  It’s “yes” or “no”, “black” or “white”, “Demo-jack-ass” (hee haw!) or “Republi-bendyouoverandfuckyouwithabigwoodenspoon.” (Hey, they are in crisis people!  Extreme Makeover: Political Party Edition)  

Answered closed-ended questions usually lead to open-ended questions.  Open-ended questions are questions that answer the question as to make you question why you asked the question to begin with.  Do you have a question about any of that?  Good, now on to the point!

Hospital waiting rooms.  Typical venue where both types of questions are asked and asked frequently.  “Do you have asthma?” (closed); “Is my [friend/family label] going to be alright?” (open); “Why did that person get to see the doctor before me?” (mos def an open!).

The reason these hospital waiting room questions interest us is that thru these questions and answers, we get to peak inside another family’s life story.  How to tell the difference between open and closed-ended questions being asked is by watching the mass reactions of loved ones from said questions being answered.  The reactions to answers display the emotion or concern for the loved one being waited on by their friends and family members—whether good or bad, open or closed.  But, they also shed light into the functionality (or dysfunctionality) of said family. 

Let’s say you, the observer, happen to be in a hospital waiting room and you see a doctor sitting down, amidst many family/friends—conglomerating around; close enough to the doctor as to allow them to hear answers to questions being asked, but far enough away as to brace for impact from the answers being given.  High anxiety, loving arms wrapped around other loved ones, tears/crying.  This happens to also be a typical scene in ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ episodes, but let’s say for argument’s sake that this particular family is a real, living, tangible one.  Open-ended questions... closed-ended questions... many types of reactions.

Now imagine that same waiting room.  Different chairs in a round, different conglomerate of family members, no friends, no doctor, waiting room television tuned into a ‘Green Acres’ marathon on TV Land. As you glimpse into their story, you observe a young, good-looking lad, college educated, wearing a Chicago Cubs cap, facing the blob of family members who are waiting with him.  To his left a late 40’s, college drop-out, married mother of 2 (one college educated in pre-med and the other a freshman in a 4 year Univ) has a copy of the latest edition of the ‘Twilight’ series books in her lap.  Starving for a distraction of your own, you eavesdrop in on the questions and answers of this family script.  You would expect the typical questions to be thrown about for such a waiting room situation—“Do you want anymore peanut M&M’s from the vending machine?” (closed).  (Not ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ worthy, I know!) 

However, you deduce that the questions being asked in this waiting room melodrama are not ordinary, not about concern for the loved one being waited on, nor is there any “bracing for impact” body language present. Never the less, these questions and answers are just as revealing, relevant, and entertaining to watch unfold against any other waiting room mass reaction scenario playing out across the room. 

Your craving for gossip has led you to dial in onto a conversation already in progress… The young lad asks of his ‘Twilight’ yielding loved one:  “Do you believe in evolution?” (closed).  Your hearing astutely tuned for a “yes”… or, a “no”…  Awkward pause, uncomfortable body-shifts, internal wheels ‘a turning, all eyes on ‘Twilight’.  

You prepare yourself for the long anticipated answer:  “I believe in Adam and Eve.” (WTF?)  

3.17.2009

...the harder they fall!

I was honored when I was asked to write a political blog for DUNDERBRAIN.com. But, when I heard I should keep my HPO's—that's 'Hot Politico Opinions' fo' ya'll ignorant folkz—to 250 words a blog?... shit… I had to go to a secret place inside my cranium and channel some Andy Rooney. And in very much a 'Rooney-esc' moment, I realized... that people are so ADD these days, no one stops to take the time to really and truly—what? Oh, right 250 words.


I heard a lyric the other day. It was a fascinating lyric. Being somewhat of a superstitious feller I couldn't help but believe that the lyric was being sung directly to me… for a reason. A secret code I could decipher as a compass to maneuver thru this mad, mad, mad, mad world. OR, is that considered a mental disorder?!? Hang on, let me check my DSM IV real quick!

Yet, this upstart Australian lassie makes an honest and raw argument. She sings: "…the world's a better place when it's upside down." Now, to an Australian living near crystal clear waters and miles upon miles of corral reefs, yeah… I'm sure it IS a much better place upside down. But, everyone seems to forget that when you travel to the interior of that island, there are high concentrated populations of lethal animals and socio-pathic offspring of convicts, criminals and prisoners. Basically, Arkansas with a beach.

But this beach bitch understands, that in order for us peasants to have a fair shot at that outplayed, blingy and cliché phrase—the 'American Dream' (even though she's Australian herself)—that the Titans of Wall Street, the jack-Mad-offs and BLAH-gos, the Sen. Craigs and Gov. Jindals, the lethal animals of the Limbaughnious coultermandering species had to fall. And fall they did!.. or, falling they are? (Ugh, grammar rules!)

Either way, these Giants are continuing to fall at an exponential rate. The world they knew yesterday has been turned upside down today. I gather that while most of them were counting and hoarding our $$ for all those many years, that the other shoe was preparing to drop. Unfortunately for them, when it did, they literally dropped right into the po' man's shoes. And bitch, we got our shoes at Wal-Mart for less than $20! So, like any new species thrust into a new ecosystem, the Darwin rules still apply. Oops, I guess evolution DOES exist!